Competence isn't just important to men—it's central to how we're judged, how we build esteem, and how we create belonging in our communities.

We're going to give you a practical framework for understanding and growing your emotional competence—no shame, just skills.

This presentation welcomes all people. It draws on experiences common to most, but the principles and tools we'll discuss are valuable for anyone interested in emotional skills and relationship dynamics.

Partners, colleagues, clinicians, and people of all backgrounds—you're all welcome here.

For humans, safety isn't about being aware of jungle predators or immediate physical threats. Safety means staying socially connected.

We are social creatures. Isolation is dangerous. Connection is survival. Our emotional systems evolved to keep us bonded with other people.

Timmy grew up in a house with a chronically ill parent. From a young age, he learned to rely heavily on active accommodation—going the extra mile, anticipating needs, solving problems before they escalated.

Outside the home, Timmy's competence in this area was rewarded. Teachers loved him. Coaches praised his work ethic. He got good grades, earned scholarships, and launched a successful career.

Timmy sees his deceased parents as an inspiration. He views himself as resilient—someone who carries on their legacy with gratitude and honor. And in many ways, he is resilient.

Then life throws him a curveball. He had a functioning family, but his partner is struggling with unreasonable behavior and/or emotional issues. He has tried everything to make this better, even for years, but Timmy's go-to skill—active accommodation (trying to improve himself, suppress his needs, or help his partner improve)—just isn't working.

Daryl learned early that keeping the peace meant not making waves. He became excellent at passive accommodation—listening, yielding, and making space for others' needs. He's often praised for "being chill".

As an adult, Daryl is valued as a great listener and peacemaker. But he struggles to advocate for himself at work, leading to burnout and feeling undervalued. He struggles with depression on and off, but conceptualizes of it in generic terms like "stress". Eventually, it gets bad enough that he snaps and yells at someone at work. When he goes to therapy, he is eager to reinforce his passive skills, thinking he has an anger problem.

Daryl's growth path involves building assertiveness and active accommodation—learning that taking up space doesn't make him selfish. But first, he must learn about the ways that failing to engage or assert breeds coldness in his life and keeps poor relationship dynamics flowing. It is only after this that Daryl begins to learn that he is not "being nice" by not asserting himself - he's hiding from people.